No longer silent: James shares his #MeToo story.
Now that I’m married and off the market, I can say — without a single doubt — that I was one hell of a sexy man. Getting someone’s attention or getting a guy to buy me a drink was never an issue. I could be in a crowded bar and have my pick of man. Sadly, however, many times they thought they could pick me without my consent. For years, I‘ve held back on sharing many of my experiences because, for the most part, I’m a pretty private person and I usually just deal with things on my own. With the recent events in our country, I feel I can no longer be silent.
One of my first experiences of sexual assault — well when I knew it was an issue (it had happened before) — occurred in New York when I was followed home one night by a man who said he couldn’t take his eyes off me the entire walk. First, to know that a stranger is following you is enough to make you feel uncomfortable but sadly that wasn’t the end. He insisted that I allow him into my place. When I refused that proposal, it was then that he suggested that we go down the stairwell. After saying “No thanks,” I quickly found myself down the stairs with a stranger on me while he tried to take his pants off. Well, lucky for me (not the case for most) I was able to change that situation really quickly and this man found himself with me on top and him unable to get back up. This was a stranger. This was one experience.
I’ve had every private part of my body grabbed by someone who didn’t have my permission, I’ve had men think that just because I said “Hello” that I was going to sleep with them. I’ve had men expose themselves and have had men look at me a in certain ways that just made me feel violated. Society has told them it’s ok.
Now, I have loved many a fool. While I might have had some sort of relationship with them and consent to a certain extent, I was taken advantage off. I was treated like a chump because of how I am by nature. I’ve had things asked of me that I just did because I thought I was suppose too, even though it made me uncomfortable. That’s what society had led me to believe was right. I’ve had men physically and emotionally hurt me. I’ve been hit, had things thrown at me, have been bruised, and have even had a broken bone or two. I’ve been made to feel something is wrong with me, that I wasn’t good enough, good looking enough, fit enough, man enough, worthy of their time, and then convinced by them that it was my fault. I loved a fool and thought that that alone gave him a pass. This was not all sexual abuse — though there was some — but it’s all a part of my story.
I’ve had so many of these experiences with men I could write a book. Even in the work place. I’ll never forget when I met a new supervisor. He pulled me aside and told me I had a great smile and that he imagined that my mouth could do a lot of great things. He added that those eyes looking up at him would be mesmerizing. This was a man who was a superior, a man who was married (to a woman), and a father. He never touched me or forced anything, but he has violated me.
To the man who followed me home, to the one who made me question myself, to the man who forced his hands down my pants, to the men who spoke violations over me, and to all the rest, this I say to you: I may have never pressed charges, or told anyone about what happened, but you sure as hell better believe that if I ever found you in a position where you could change the course of another person’s life I will speak up and out!
Now many of you will make excuses of why these things happened to me. You’ll say I went to the wrong places, dressed the wrong way, or hung out with the wrong people. Many of you will probably even think that I was being punished for being gay. You are part of the problem and you are what is wrong with this world. One day you will stand before God and you will have to answer for that. I’ve been silent and most likely I will not speak of these events often after this but I will not keep my story in the dark. It is now told and when you speak that gives you power. To those who are fighting or have fought, may these words give you strength, may we create a world where men’s behavior is not normalized, and may we support each other in every way possible. Blessings upon those readers who I touched, to the reader I’ve made uncomfortable and the ones I’ve made mad. How you respond, not to me, but to this world is what you will answer for. I hope and pray you are ready for that.